This time of year, everyone is gearing up for back-to-school season. New schedules are being figured out, supplies are being selected and packed, and all the jitters and stresses of a fresh school year are settling in — for parents and kids. For some families grieving the loss of a loved one, however, a new school year can bring a new set of challenges.
Sending your children back to school after a loss is a big transition for everyone. For parents, it’s natural to want to protect children who are grieving, but putting them back in school means less control over how they move through the world. So as we move into the school year, let’s take a moment to talk about what parents and children (and even friends and family of the bereaved) can do to continue to heal and grieve while transitioning to new schedules and navigating new barriers.
Setting the Stage for the New Year
Losing a loved one can be a major disruption to the normal family routine. If the loss happens during the summer you’ve probably spent a lot of extra time together grieving as a family. As a parent, you’ve probably spent that time keeping children away from triggers or emotional pitfalls. Now that school is starting, however, you’ll have less time and less opportunity to care for a grieving child.
Your instincts may be to want to grab hold tighter than before. Be careful to not let those instincts make things more difficult for your child. Children experience death differently than you, so it’s important to not impose a grieving process on them. Kids want a sense of normalcy as much as possible, and death can make things very abnormal. Singling them out with more attention can add to that abnormal feeling. Make sure they feel supported and prepared for the new school year rather than overwhelmed. This is something important for friends and family of the bereaved to remember as well.
Important Steps When Starting the New Year
When we know someone we care about is upset, it is often an instinct to want to help “fix it” — especially with children. If we know a major change, like a new school year, is coming up, we want to try and speed up the grieving process so the child can be “fixed” beforehand.
We have to resist that urge. One thing that can help you and your child adjust to a new school year the most is to think of it as a helpful transition to a regular schedule. School restores useful relationship patterns with teachers, friends, and school counselors. The routine, structure, and social interactions of school can be extremely helpful for children and parents who are grieving. So as you move into the new year, try these easy actions to make the beginning of the school year smooth.
Acknowledge the grief – One thing you should avoid while supporting a grieving child or parent is pretending as if nothing happened. Telling a child to “move on” or “it’s not a big deal” stunts the grieving process and can add undue harm. Something major has happened, and acknowledging that is very important. Say the name of the person who has passed, tell stories about them, and answer questions the child may have. These things help everyone stay connected and allow the child to participate in their journey with grief.
Communicate with teachers and administrators – Setting up good communication with trustworthy adults at your child’s school is an important part of transitioning back to school. Start by letting teachers and counselors know about the family loss. School officials can let you know if they have a process in place to help your child while at school, or you can talk about setting one up. It’s also important to tell your child what the school will know, so they aren’t surprised on the first day. This creates a system of trustworthy people the child can go to if they need support throughout the day.
Listen – Overall, communication is a very important piece of the grieving process for parents and children. Listening may be the most important piece. Children need an adult they can trust. This is why you should make space for the child’s feelings. Listen to your child more than you speak. Resist the urge to relate (“I know how you feel”) or “fix” the situation, and instead allow them to describe their feelings and, in turn, acknowledge them. This allows the child to feel heard and more likely to communicate their grief rather than holding it all in.
Set boundaries – Being able to know what you or your child can give and take is a helpful tool when processing grief. When anyone is grieving, their bodies and minds are often a bit out of sorts, so understanding boundaries keeps stress down. If you or your child are vocal about what they can or cannot handle, respect those choices and help them in other ways. Also, a grieving child may act out and have other behavioral changes, so it’s important to stick to rules and boundaries so they know rules still matter. This helps provide the sense of normalcy they crave.
Prepare for other kids (and adults) – If your family experiences a loss during the summer, there’s a good chance teachers and fellow students haven’t seen your family since the loss. This means the school year can also bring lots of questions. Make sure your child knows this may happen, and tell them it’s their choice if they want to engage and what they want to share. Maybe set some time to work on and practice responses they can give children and teachers should the questions come up. Also, discuss what they can do if other children make them uncomfortable with numerous questions. Helping your child feel supported in these stressful situations will better set them up for success.
